i think i’m dumb.

(take a moment to sort things out)
tears confirm what i’m trying to hide
a fallback drawn out to
a lifetime of repeated failures
(everything i have is lost)
and i’m found on my knees
scraping together for change
smoke trailing through my fingers-
where am i?
should i quit now or should i have
a long time ago?

different

years have gone by since i’ve seen your face

its worth it, every day i wake up more alive

the bitter taste is gone from my mouth and

i no longer find myself wanting you

i don”t miss your smile, your laugh

the beer taste in your mouth

those three words don’t make me fight back tears

finished time, stuck, forgotten;

i don’t remember you anymore.

how to fall in love with God.

i rushed in-
a little scared and uncertain.
i saw them raise their hands,
i reached out to the sky.
i wondered what love must have felt like.
tears filled my eyes and spilled onto my cheeks-
my head was racing trying to figure out
what i was doing and
then i did the riskiest thing:
i gave up my life so that
i would live free.
i fell in love with God.

on this distance

tossed and turned, i don’t want to get out of bed
rewind, replay, rewind again-was that real or a dream?
i’m telling myself that i am different
i’m promising myself that this is different
but i’m standing by the shores, waiting
looking for the ship that will bring you in
and i can’t stop these tears from falling
i would even swim across the ocean to see your face
i don’t care if i drown along the way
because i know you would rescue me
and that is why i know that i’m yours.

it’s just that it’s delicate.

i might sing when i’m alone
to no one in particular
i could cry every time
things go so wrong or i
could release the cold.
its not that i’m emotionless or
without sorrow
its just that its delicate.
i feel the ball of pain swelling in my throat
forcing tears that promise nothing at all
and i can’t help but wonder when
things are going to get easier.
i’m running into trees that refuse to move
and i’m given many options but
not many too choose
and i know what i don’t want
but there’s no where for me to go.
i might reach out to someone
but what if they’re a ghost?
there when not wanted
gone when i need them the most?
is there such thing as Favor?
or is the lack of one named Test?
and i’m running and running
to nowhere in particular
things that are so meaningless
are now the very things that are depressing me
and as much as this word play used to satisfy my
cravings for distraction, i’m afraid that this makes things worse.

God, would you please listen to me for just one second?
I need you more than I need air, or life.
And I can’t help it if I seem pitiful or meek,
because the truth is, I can’t do anything without You.
And if I’m going in the right direction, please God,
show me that I’m still in Your sight.
Because I’m a failure without You.