organic earth.

cut me deep so i know i’m alive
happiness is fleeting for the hungry
there are no conclusive answers
as to why i daily paint my grave white and
inside, i have decaying bodies hosting parties
i have pressured myself to fake perfection.
we’re only as clean as we pretend to be
with hearts slowly rotting black
must i wrestle with the inevitable truth?

i built this tower to keep me high,
but you knocked it down and i can’t see the sky
i wanted to reach the heaven, but now i’m under
and forgot how to say, ‘i’m sorry.’
i am old, i’ve lost all my hair,
there’s darkness in the water and i bathe daily
i saw them die one by one and still said no.
even as the lambs were cut across the throat.

break my hip now before i convince myself otherwise
making up new facts and measures to prevent this
i can’t hear your voice in this cell
for i have locked you out but it was my choice
drowning pity and shame with another fossilized sin
slipping through the cracks in the wall
i feel the blood dripping from the ceiling,
blinding my eyes and filling my mouth
where have i gone this time?
tripping tripping tripping over what i now call Doubt.

gouging my eyes and clenching hands to fists, my lips are blue
i must resuscitate my heart once more.
Faith, i didn’t mean to shut you out.
now i’m afraid for what i have brought upon myself.
deserving much worse, i deal with pain beneath my chest
i am frail, i am frail, now i have become frail.
don’t break me down, don’t break my soul
spare me the fire, don’t let me have the fire
the time is coming when we will having nothing but God.

i’ve never thought about it so much until now.

but sometimes i wish that i could start over.
it kills me that things will look up and then go so wrong in the same day.
i need help. in more ways than one. no, i’m not crazy, but i feel like its inevitable.
i’m frustrated because nothing is changing on the outside of it all.
i feel like i’m drowning, all the time.

but i’m going to look past the distractions so i can remember that i need God.