sleeping in cemeteries.

in a deep slumber, i stir for a moment
and realize that i’ve been gone for days
i have forgotten what rest feels like but
reason tells me to not change
i’ve been chasing all my ghosts
and they tell me not to go back home anymore
but where have i been?
my God, what am i breathing in?
someone please read me the right way
look in my eyes, tell me what’s in front of me
my hand is grasping at nothing and
its getting harder to blink when
all i want to do is stare at the horizon
until it all bleeds together
i try to make nothing out of something,
but when you look at me,
i want to melt into the floor

just believe me, any day.

i’m so scared of time
watching it go by, by the way,
the rafters echo my songs for you
i don’t need direction
i believe you
you told me i was beautiful
and i laughed to make you smile
down and out, wayward brothers and sisters
i mean it when i say that i love you.

in all of this.

lost. alone. without direction or confidence in myself.

a roller coaster of problems and false solutions. 

i’m so angry and hurt because nothing is going even ok anymore.

and in all of this, 

i ask God,

“where are You?”

a moment of raw truth.

i’ve got no answers. no solutions.
the only directions i have are to go and don’t stop.
i’m tired, and yet i have to keep going.
i’m sick, and yet i have to push farther.
i’m emotionally drained, and the words, “don’t give up” are resonating in my mind.
when does it get to the point that i’m done?
i don’t want to be out of love, but in love.
i’m asking for a familiar reason.
a question answered with another question, if you will.

it’s just that it’s delicate.

i might sing when i’m alone
to no one in particular
i could cry every time
things go so wrong or i
could release the cold.
its not that i’m emotionless or
without sorrow
its just that its delicate.
i feel the ball of pain swelling in my throat
forcing tears that promise nothing at all
and i can’t help but wonder when
things are going to get easier.
i’m running into trees that refuse to move
and i’m given many options but
not many too choose
and i know what i don’t want
but there’s no where for me to go.
i might reach out to someone
but what if they’re a ghost?
there when not wanted
gone when i need them the most?
is there such thing as Favor?
or is the lack of one named Test?
and i’m running and running
to nowhere in particular
things that are so meaningless
are now the very things that are depressing me
and as much as this word play used to satisfy my
cravings for distraction, i’m afraid that this makes things worse.

God, would you please listen to me for just one second?
I need you more than I need air, or life.
And I can’t help it if I seem pitiful or meek,
because the truth is, I can’t do anything without You.
And if I’m going in the right direction, please God,
show me that I’m still in Your sight.
Because I’m a failure without You.