written 10/18/08

God, i can’t do this anymore. i’m a stranger with no home. and it doesn’t matter what i do because in the end, it doesn’t end up making a difference. i’ve prayed and cried, and nothing has changed for the better. so i want to know when You’re going to do something?
if not, i don’t think i can live like this. this fear of mocking, i’m so afraid to be honest or ask for help because…i wouldn’t get help from..it doesn’t matter anyway.
i’ve never felt this sad. i feel broken, and i can’t find something to
distract myself with. i’ve tried and failed. i asked you to do something, anything,
and yet again, nothing. no answer. what do i have to do to get your attention???
i know i’m nothing. i know i’m selfish. i know that i don’t know everything.
but can’t you tell me what to do? or somehow provide?
because my heart is here. and i know things are changing. but i’m not going anywhere else.
even if things get difficult. but you’re not giving me much of a choice. i mean, what the heck am i supposed to do? i’m so afraid of bringing shame to..
and once…then, i suppose i don’t have to worry. but God, i can’t do this. i hurt.
i hurt so badly. i can’t breathe right. i can’t think about anything else. and i feel myself slipping into an even bigger depression.
if this is something i brought upon myself, then i’m sorry.
if anything, i’m learning to be less selfish, but i feel tortured. like you’re playing with me. and that’s not the God i read about in the bible.
i don’t mean to be a heretic, or disrespectful, i’m just trying to figure out who you are.
and i can’t survive being hurt again. and if i can’t trust you, then there is no one else.
so please, please, God. do something. please talk to me, send me a sign, a word, something!
because i’m hanging by a thread and i can’t promise to hang on for much longer.
please do what you promised to do.

i never met a dead man.

a physical one, that is.
and to think that we’re born
alive, only to end up dead inside.
but when we meet life once again
we have the choice to breathe.

i’m alive.